In his own words

The following words were written by a prisoner to his pen friend in the months prior to his execution.

2013

… Do you really want my sad, confused thoughts?  I will tell you this, that I am one scared little man.  I have not had clemency yet but that still does not keep me from setting here jumping when the door to the wing pops not knowing if they are coming to get me.  My nerves are already bad but they seem to get worse every day.   Nothing seems to make me happy anymore.

Things that I used to enjoy doing I do just to try and keep sane.  I have read every book in my cell at least three times and have read books from the library.  I have drawn cards but still I cannot lose this feeling of hopelessness.  Then not having any family to write at this time really gets to me.  I’m thankful that I have you in my life!  You are the best friend I have ever had.

2014

… Man it seems like everyone I have become friends with is being executed.  Guys who I have known for years.  I know this sounds bad but every time that they sign someone new I can only think well I’ll make it for another month but the stress is very high not just for me but for a lot of guys around here….

… I know that you are not a religious person but when you set in my position you can’t but wonder and hope if there is a Heaven and Hell, that I can somehow make it to Heaven and not burn in Hell.  I know the life I have lived I deserve to be in Hell.  I know that I should be writing about other things but at the moment all I seem to think about is them carting me over there and putting the damn poison in my arm….

…There is one thing I know and that is I have never had a friend like you before and I scream to whoever makes things happen in this world why could I not find your friendship sooner in life?  I know that I do not deserve you but I’m thankful that you are my friend.  I know that you do more for me than anyone ever has.  You are the only person that I feel bad for not getting letters to…. Please tell me something good because I have no good news here….

A month later

… I’m alive scared yea but hey we all know that one day we all die, is it when I want it to happen?  Hell No!  So my date is set, hoping we can find something that will stay it for a while longer but you know it’s hard to get stays these days.

Something else that is strange when you come over here to death watch everyone wants to know you, but my question is where were you the last eighteen years?  I have spoken with my Mom and even my sister went to the trouble of getting in touch with me.   I’ll say this I’ve never been treated so good in prison.  It’s like I have to be at death’s door before people want to treat me like a human.  No I do not put you in this category because you have always treated me better than I have ever been treated by anyone and I thank you….

… They could have waited for me to finish reading the True Blood books and the next one in the Kim Harrison series.  Oh well, maybe in my next life ….

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3 thoughts on “In his own words

  1. Heartbreaking, humbling and the reason we write – to try and giveback our friends their humanity by offering unconditional love. Thank you for this post, a timely reminder to me to continue to write even in the silence , perhaps the very time they need to hear from us the most.

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